Beyond Reach / Ferdinand (Dad) The biggest question faced by all his family and his many close friends is why Ryan didn't reach out. I think the poem below helps to answer this. It was written by someone that has been to the moment that Ryan passed. (Thankyou for your permission to publish this Janine ).
Beyond Reach ..........
As you fail to comprehend my loss I fail to comprehend any existence beyond this moment.
Nothing exists, nothing moves, a black emptiness. Just muffled sounds of life in the distance. I was gone from life long before my final breath.
A conscious act of selfishness - it is not. A moment, void of logic, to end my suffering - it was. A brief moment when I lost my grip.
As you suffer the pain of my death Only then do you come close to the place in which I was lost.
I was beyond your reach As life was beyond mine.
with permission of the author Janine Browne Her web site www.theblackdogproject.com is worth the visit.
Missing you / Tim Ward (Friend)
Ryan is one of the most genuinely intelligent interesting and funny people I've ever met. He was an amazing person and touched everyone who met him.
I'll never forget how we'd spend hours discussing any and all topics or the all the hare-brained adventures we used to have together. He could be debating the meaning of life with you and at the same time be completely down to earth. He had unbelievable charisma but if he respected you he'd show that respect and always listen to what you had to say.
One thing about Ryan was if you were his friend and you connected with him you knew he was your friend and he would be completely loyal no matter what. I feel he helped me see what a true friend could be.
His creativity and passion for his art were an inspiration to me and I wish I had a chance to collaborate with him like we always said we would.
If you could see me now bro I hope I'm doing you proud in some way. You will always stand as an example and someone I respect and look up to and always as a brother to me. Always missed. 40 on the curb. Peace. Tim. Close
i am so glad.. / Russell Clark (Friend)
im so glad to have found this site dedicate to ryan & so glad to have had the opportunity to read through the great things people have said the stories & to read the same eulogy that was read at his funeral
i found this site by searching his name in google after trying to see if there would be an image of him up on the net that i could add to my itunes folder of all his music that i was listening to..
my greatest memory of ryan was basically staying up for at least 24 hours or more with him at a mates place & driving our mate crazy because he wanted to go out while me & ryan just wanted to sit there & talk shit.. and talk shit we did.. there was no point of going out we agreed on so much stuff it was crazy and as always it's just so good to sit back and chat to ryan about stuff & i sware i wish i did it more often and could still do it now.. we even shared teary eyed moments of stuff we were talking about cause stuff was deep but that just seems so funny now
i will never remember the time i found out because that same friend that we were with that night called me at work happy to hear that my friend had called me while i was at work i was real bright when i picked up the phone to him as he relayed the news about what happened i was crushed.. so much potential down the drain the stuff i could see him making in the future was amazing and when it came to his music i have no doubt in my mind what so ever that he was going to make some shit that was going to blow us all away and change so many more people. but i am glad he left us with what he did
pce ryan i will never forget and will always love you brother!!!!!
the next beer is for you. Close
just one of the many moments ryan made me laugh / Dylan Jones (cousin)
one time when i was alot younger i had flown over to perth to meet this family of mine id never met. it was the first time i had met Ryan and we were friends instantly, as we always were whenever id come over for a holiday,we would hang out like it was yesterday i saw him not a year ago. i remember my brother and i were staying at their house with our other cousin caitlin and aiden was there too. we were talking and laughing loudly till about 2 in the mourning despite being told constantly by rhian to go to sleep.we were bagging out my step brothers favourite saying at the time" temper temper... totally uncool..." which we would hear 10 times a day. after one final really loud bunch of cackles and laughs, rhian had enough and came in and screamed at us to go to sleep and told us we were in big trouble, all of us were scared and already closing our eyes for sleep except ryan who in the total silence right after rhian had stoped yelling, in a perfectly calm voice proceeded to say " temper temper.. totally uncool mum." it was the funniest thing id ever heard and we all just started laughing again uncontrollably. ryan was still laughing as he was being dragged out of the room by his mum. he always was making made me laugh and the times i spent with him are some of my most cherished and happy moments of my life. i lost touch with him as i got older and being in tasmania and since im moving to perth i was really looking forward to seeing and hanging out like we use to when we were younger. i still think of him alot and his music means alot to me, its very inspirational for me and helps me to get on with my life and gets me pumped to skate a rail im scared of like when ryan use to pump me up to skate when we were young. ill always remember him and regret never keeping in touch through the years. dylan Close
missing you / Candie (friend)
Hey Ryan, just wanted to let you know that where ever you are, and what ever you're doing - I hope its making people laugh because that is what you were best at - making other people feel good about themselves when things sucked most.
And I hope at some point I did the same for you :)
Tribute to an artist / Scott Thackrah (friend)Read >>
Tribute to an artist / Scott Thackrah (friend)
I knew Von Kraus (As I called him) from Lynwood High School. I first met Ryan in year 10, he was part of our 'group' and he became a friend. At the time I was a cheeky bastard...and Ryan was the only one who could have a comeback. I respected him for that.
When I tell people from Lynwood about his death, there was always a sad moment of reflection. Even those who did not consider him a friend, still respected him. That shows alot about Ryan's character.
The last time i saw him was in the city. I was sitting outside of JB HIfi on a bench with a friend, bored out of our collective minds. It was closing time, and everyone was going home. Along strolls this 'stranger'.
He had cut his hair! i couldnt believe it.
After a good chat, we said goodbye, I NEVER would have thought that that would be the last time i would see him. I recall it felt good to see him again... that was Ryan. A positive energy.
I recall a conversation i had with a mate, Kyle, who knew Ryan as well. To me, this signifies the respect that Ryan had among his peers. We were sitting around chilling at his house and I told him how i brought over a copy of 'Chasing fate' by Kraus. And that he still lived on in his music.
A great friend, an awesome lyricist / Rob Shaker (Friend & Producer )Read >>
A great friend, an awesome lyricist / Rob Shaker (Friend & Producer )
A CD I have produced for Ryan is now available for free. It features 9 of Ryan's tracks including "A Tribute" feat. Rob Shaker, Adam Crook, Sipn, Wolverine, AMC and Krun, and a pretend diss track to myself and MC Squared. Ryan's song "Black and White" will also feature on Western Supremacy 2, a WA hip hop compilation.
For info on the CD's or to get a copy email me @ email@example.com
What it means to me, Ryan’s Dad. / His Dad Read >>
What it means to me, Ryan’s Dad. / His Dad
What it means to me, Ryan’s Dad.
I wrote this note two weeks after Ryan's death in the hope that those that read it would take something positive from it, and be aware of the complete and utter devistation experienced by those that are left behind.
Ryan took his life on Thursday 9th November (an Aussie 9/11) after gambling nearly all of his wages just one too many times. It was an ongoing problem that he did seek counselling for on one occasion, but could only be persuaded to attend one session. He was so desperate to get to Canada to follow his passion but was very conscious that his gambling debts and his gambling addiction was preventing him from doing this. He once said to me that it gave him the ultimate buzz to place big bets on the table at the Casino, but when he lost he drank, the more he drank the more he lost. When he had lost his money he said that he would experience the lowest of lows. It was during his last low that Ryan left a rushed message with emergency services that simply said “Sorry Dad” before jumping to his death from Brownly Towers in the early hours of the 9 Thursday morning. The double tragedy is that Ryan was getting back on track after a tough stint living away from home. He was sleeping and eating well, drinking socially and even getting back into recording Hip-hop at home. There was wonderful warmth with his being back home and with seeing him getting his life back on track – He was relaxed and appeared so much happier. Ryan and I recently had an incredible week’s holiday in Kalbarri where I got to rediscover the wonderful person he is and he also got the chance to know me better. On our return from Kalbarri he took up part time jobs at the Duxton and Novotel Hotel group. He was enjoying his work at the Duxton and had decided to only work here and give up his job with Novotel. Despite everything that has happened I will always feel that I could have prevented Ryan from taking his life. There are so many “what ifs”.
Rhian and I have two wonderful sons, extremely intelligent, gifted, articulate, sensitive young men who are loved very dearly by family and close friends. As this is about Ryan and to give you some idea of who he is and who we have lost I have included his Eulogy which I think captures the essence that is Ryan. This was written by Rhian, and bravely read by her at Ryan’s Funeral.
Ryan. A small name for such a huge character, but in Gaelic it means “little king” and from a very early age, Ryan commanded people’s attention—not always positively! He could be the most exasperating child and when he set his mind to something it was nearly impossible to distract him. When he was going through the terrible twos, I used to walk around the house chanting “I will not negotiate with terrorists.” He was always full of mischief, whether it was teaming up with a friend to capture farts in a jar, or pouring my French perfume into one of his potions of various disgusting things in the hope that the potion would smell better. That sense of fun, mischief and adventure was an integral part of who he was. His friend, Roxanne, summed up his character perfectly. She said that “he had no walls. No hidden agenda. He was just out there saying ‘hello world, this is me, take or lump it.’”
And so he was, out there, on his own terms. It was often Ryan who was chosen to host his class assembly, often Ryan who came home from sports day with more ribbons on his chest than any other child and usually Ryan who was in more trouble than anyone else. As parents, we rapidly discovered that it was very easy to get angry with Ryan but impossible to stay that way. He was always out there grabbing life (and his brother) by the throat, trying to shake them into submission. Sometimes life (and Aidan) bit him back but, mostly, they would have to submit.
Ryan had the gift of charm and the intelligence to go with it; and that is a heady combination. It was not only the young women who fell at his feet, but anybody of any age. That was because his ability to charm grew from his genuine interest in people. He loved people and so they loved him. He was fiercely loyal and, although he gave Aidan a hard time, he told me that he would always defend Aidan if it was ever needed. Also, he was never afraid to admit his mistakes and apologise. For some years I sometimes felt that the only words I heard Ryan say were “sorry Mum—or Dad.” And the trouble was that no matter what he did, he always somehow made you feel it wasn’t that bad. That included rescuing him and a friend from a park in Kardinya at 2am after he stole the family Commodore and flattened the battery. The RAC took an hour to come so I had time to read the riot act, but we were soon laughing together about anything and everything.
There were many other occasions when we had to rescue Ryan, but one incident was far more significant than the others. Ryan was always interested in the world around him and as a teenager he became more aware of his place within it. He was passionate about many different issues and was prepared to speak out about them. Sometimes too loudly and for too long! Martin Luther King, Jr., said that, “the ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of love and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy.” And that was very true of the young man whose life we are here to celebrate. Ryan was charged over the burning of the Australian flag in the anti-Iraq war rally in 2003. I was called to the police station to bail him out, which felt very serious at the time. However, as with most incidents involving Ryan, the whole thing was like a scene from Monty Python’s The Life of Brian. (Did they get the name wrong?) As I arrived, the young folk sitting outside began to chant “it’s the mother, it’s the mother” and I had the uncontrollable urge to say “he’s not the messiah he’s just a naughty little boy!” But he wasn’t little and he wasn’t naughty, he was a young man with the courage to stand up for his convictions and the courage to take the consequences. And that, more than anything else, epitomises the man he had become.
It was those passionate beliefs, and his dissatisfaction with the world in which he lived, that led to his obsession with Hip Hop music. Hip Hop is the protest music of the 21st century and it was here that Ryan found his niche, as YT. He was able to use all his skills—his passionate support of the underdog, his amazing general knowledge and gift for language, as well as his gift for performance. In celebration of those skills, you will later hear two pieces of music written and performed by YT. You may not like them, but I hope you appreciate the intelligence and linguistic ability required as well as gaining a greater understanding of the young man who created them.
It is fortunate that we have Ryan’s music to remember him by, as his passing leaves a huge gap in our lives that time will paper over but never fill. Ryan truly was a star, but he was a Supernova—flaring quickly and hotly, shining extremely brightly, then burning out all too soon.
---- End of Eulogy
Most people have said that they can not imagine what it would feel like to lose a son as Rhian and I have. I can only speak for myself. I was playing at weeding with a device that had four long prongs and two short ones, the long prongs formed a square twisted outwards with two shorter twisted prongs protruding from the centre. This device is stabbed into soil and twist to collect the roots of weeds. Losing Ryan, for me was exactly like being stabbed through the stomach with this particular weeding prong and having it twisted so tight that I just wanted to die. Learning he was dead; that he had committed suicide; identifying his body; the mental images of his fall; knowing the pain he must have been in for it to come to this - the trauma of these events just closed my body down. My mind and body lost sync, time warped and a heavy numbness descended. I have since discovered that this numbness is how my body has protected me from an irreversible, incomprehensible, intolerable reality. On the third night after his death I reached the point of breakdown and very fortunately had company to help me through this frightening time. Since Ryan’s death our family have been showered in kindnesses that in my case has helped so much to reverse the twist, and help me to begin dealing with the trauma and grieving. These kindnesses have come in many forms: Thoughts, sympathies, flowers, gifts, prayers, cards, the encouraging notes in cards, e-mails, phone messages, phone calls, squeezes, hugs, tears, comforting, empathy, understanding, planned and unplanned distractions, visits, walks, death notices, offers of assistance, contributions to Ryan’s e-mail site, meals, a garden blitz, help with the funeral, attendance at the funeral, help with the Wake, generous financial support, peoples obvious love for Ryan, and in the sharing of Ryan’s memorable moments. Rhian, Aidan and I have been overwhelmed by these kindnesses. We shall never ever forget these
I have been assisted greatly by a visit to Curtin Counselling Services. They have a wonderful service that allows people to call in and be assessed almost immediately without having to wait for an appointed time. It allowed me to vent my very raw feelings and to learn that I was in shock and grieving at the same time. It helped to separate these two things and to learn what sort of things I may experience now and in the future. The most significant advice I received was to write down everything that was churning through my mind. This has helped me through some very long nights. Once I have written down what is in my mind I rarely think the thought again for the period that I am awake. I write anything that is on my mind good, bad or indifferent. I haven’t yet re read anything that I have written and I am not sure I will. I can recommend doing this if things play on your mind at anytime, not just when you can’t sleep. It was important for me to come away from the counselling session with documentation as much of what transpired during this time was a blur. The documentation I did receive gave me contact details for a self help organisation call Compassionate Friends. Coincidently, the contact I spoke to at Compassionate Friends was also involved with the SANDS support group that Rhian and I had sought support from and been involved with 24 years before. Talking with this person helped me to understand my son’s behaviour to the loss of his brother and to warn of some possible difficult times ahead at around 6 weeks and then again in 12 weeks after Ryan’s death when the body deals with chemicals that have been produced to cope with such a trauma. I intend involving myself with Compassionate Friends and I am very much looking forward to meeting other people who are working through or have worked through such a trauma. I found the same solace with SANDS some 24 years ago.
It has been a little more than two weeks since Ryan’s death. I feel that I am slowly working through the trauma and grieving and except for the occasional regression I am feeling no worse and possibly a little better each day. I am making the most of distractions and trying hard to establish a routine. I am very conscious of my health and fitness but despite eating well and exercising regularly I am constantly tired. I am frustrated by the fact that I have so little control in the process of working through this trauma. I am glad I don’t have to drive much or handle dangerous machinery because often my mind is elsewhere. I sometimes find it hard to talk to people particularly for the first time. I am pleased that people who know of my circumstances react in their own unique way. I have no expectations of how people will react. It often feels as if I have little control of how I respond. If anyone asks how I am feeling I usually ask if they really want to know. If they do I’ll tell them truthfully. Mentally, the thing that I am struggling most with is the loneliness in not having Ryan in the world and in particular not having him in my consciousness as a living being. I have lost a mate as well as a son. I struggle sometimes with mixed feeling towards Ryan. I have felt angry because he has chosen this path and for short times disowned him. I cannot do that for long because I have so many wonderful memories right up until the day before his death. I am very conscious that Rhian, Aidan and I will not share in the trials and joys of what I know would have been a rich, colourful, and passionately lived future. There will be no more new memories to treasure. In truth I cannot accept that he is gone - yet there are so many triggers that bring home the reality that Ryan isn’t coming back.
In memory of Ryan: # I will get Ryan to Canada. # I will attempt to take all the love for Ryan and for us that filled the room at his funeral and find a way forward. (Thankyou to the person that suggested this) # I encourage you to seek support and counselling if Ryan’s or anyone’s death or anything is causing you trauma. I encourage you, as I have, to write down your thoughts when anything is seriously troubling you and to please communicate these serious concerns with family, close friends, non professional or professional care services. # Never make any crucial or rash decisions in the dead of the night or if you are feeling low. Know that at these times everything is much worse than it is. # Know that the trials and joys of your life are the most valuable gift you can share with your family and close friends. # Know the trauma and grief that the decision to take ones life will bring. # In memory of Ryan change someone’s life for the better by doing things that would address ‘what ifs’ before rather than after an outcome like Ryan’s.
I am the one who is sorry Ryan, my deepest hope is that you are now at peace. I will love you and remember you always……….Dad. Close
To me, he is an embodiment of light, a pure soul with truth carved on his heart. / Sharon O'beirne Read >>
To me, he is an embodiment of light, a pure soul with truth carved on his heart. / Sharon O'beirne
... I'm not sure I know how to do this, I don't know where to start and I know I'll not know where to finish!! A day over the month and I'm not sure at this point if time will ever mean anything but a measurement of time without him, a shadow of loss that I fight while people tell me to smile. For over a year I knew Ryan everyday, for over a year he lightened my heart and who can smile when you've lost and loved the ultimate smile... he lit up rooms and most importantly the souls of people who longed too.
Together we worked at Bobby Dazzlers and can I say that place will never see a pairing like it!! Trouble.. trouble.. I can still see his first cheeky glance, feel our smiles and we knew it was on!! We had the best craziest summer with a krew from round the world and hearts that were at home!! How do you write this without succumbing to a notion that he's gone for life and a million memories you can never capture and a thousand more you'll want him there for!!
To me, he is an embodiment of light, a pure soul with truth carved on his heart. He's honest and strong, intelligent and articulate, mature beyond his years, compassionate beyond the call, and lets not forget HOT... ah bet you that smile grabbed a million more before me!! BUt it was his integrity, his truth and his strength to share himself that see's my heart empty! I'd never known anyone to love like he did, with no reason, no motive; I don't know that I'll feel that again - loved purely, perhaps because that was all he was!
We saw the world through the same eyes and when we didn't we could meditate with the other knowing there was difference and trust; and there would always be compromise! I see him everywhere I go, everything reminds me of him. I see images of his hands, his smile; I hear his laugh, his crazy ozzi calls, his sayings... I'd love to say "its all gravy" but its not - its fkd up shit (excuse the french) and I’m not very impressed with his choice.
So of course, I would be denying truth and our memories if I didn't say being as close as we were, he didn't annoy the crap outta me at times – he did!! I've struggled the month through the shock, despair, guilt and grief. I'm angry because deep down I know through all his intelligence; stupidity and angered reigned in that moment, that when he drank a cloud of dark could form around him. And because I should of been there and though my last words were I love you and he knew I loved him, it wasn't enough! And though it might be better to have loved and lost.. he chose this loss for us. And I mourn selfishly because there will never be another like him. ....he was hiphop MC and scholarly gentleman who stood for truth and justice(without the tights); with dark smoldering good looks, pure light at his soul and rangha (red) protruding from his goatee.
HE was my best friend, he still is my best friend, I still talk to him, cry to him and threaten to bash him when I see him next. I didn't know him long and so it feels hard to write when so many have known him longer, but I feel like I've lost part of myself. And indeed we all have, but then he will live on in all of us I know from the depths of purity and truth that is in us ... because that's who he was and that's who he incited us to be. Close
writing this means accepting that ryan is no longer with us / Kasey Magro Read >>
writing this means accepting that ryan is no longer with us / Kasey Magro
writing this means accepting that ryan is no longer with us and i hate that but i have so many memories of ryan (as im sure everyone who met ryan does) and because of these he will never leave us i started talking to ryan on msn years ago because shaun tried to "set us up" haha (thankyou shaun) but we actually managed to click we talked and talked about random things and about serious things but there was always something to say ryan invited me to his house so that we could meet in person.. he had a gathering and i met all the wonderful murdoch people who i ended up having very close friendships with he treated me like i was something special... though we had our ups and downs and trust me when they were downs he let me know it, we always remained friends
some of my fondest memories of ryan are hearing his music i remember a time when i was staying over and ryan freestyled about me it makes me fucking laugh thinking about it because any girl that heard those words come out of a boys mouth about them would have been disgusted but i was completely flattered haha he was disgusting and dirty but smiled at me the whole time my heart goes out to the kraus family, i am so sorry for your loss but thank you for bringing such an amazing person into this world Rhian, thank you for our chat at the wake, it made things a lot easier
he was always the first to do some crazy sh*t. / Glen Hunt Read >>
he was always the first to do some crazy sh*t. / Glen Hunt
hi my names glen. i went to primary school with ryan. i only have a couple of standout memories of him but i do remember he was an outrageous fella. My memories really only consist of rollerblading around wilson, including mainly the verandahs of the school, those floors were slippery. haha many a time did me or him almos slide into the glass doors of admin!! other fun times were at recess or lunch playing pretty much no rules soccer, i wasnt big on it but i remember him running around like crazy. he was always the first to do some crazy sh*t. although i havent seen him for a fews years it feels as though i have lost a good friend. peace out ryan... Close
Though time made us grow apart, i will never forget my fondness for Ryan. / Pelin Eren Read >>
Though time made us grow apart, i will never forget my fondness for Ryan. / Pelin Eren
Though time made us grow apart, i will never forget my fondness for Ryan. Ryan may you always be remembered for the beautiful person you were.
After reading everyone's heartfelt tributes I wanted to add my own. I knew Ryan back in primary school days at Wilson and First year como high. I've also recently been back in contact with him after bumping into him working at Bobby Dazlers (or i think that is the name of the pub). I had intentions of trying to catch up with Ryan after my exams, and the news of his death left me in complete shock.
I have often thought of Ryan as he was such a strong, loud, vibrant person. Here are snipets of what i remember of him. I have photos of him back in primary school on camps, i will have to scan these somehow and post them later as i dont have any on the computer.
I remember him stirring up Mrs Colk in yr 7, hiding her smokes quiet often telling her she shouldn't be smoking. He went as far as cutting a box in half in front of her one time in the staff room. She was furious, but left the rest of us in stitches. I remember how he used to be in love with his blue, black and white adidas jacket - wouldn't let anyone touch it.
He was always the life of the class, making jokes and pulling stunts. At our year seven graduation party i don't think he stopped until everyone had crashed. I woke up to him on the other couch drooling into a pillow.
Sarah, and I remember his jumping out of the windows twice, the stories spread like wildfire and he really did become a legend. I remember people mentioning it right up until the end of year 12. I also remember the flag incident and wasn't surprised at all as he was never shy in expressing how he felt.
More recently i remember seeing a familiar looking bar staff at the pub, starring at him trying to remember who he was. It clicked and i double checked only to realize he was wearing a name tag O.o. He was happy, talkative, and he mentioned a lot about his music, which i never knew about and have really enjoyed reading. I was with a friend who knew him in high school. I told Ryan that i had the biggest crush on him in yr 7 and talked for a while, was really good to catch up and see him again.
Ryan you made an impression on everyone you met, i don't think anyone can forget you once they have met you. You will be sorely missed by those close to you, and anyones life you have come across, at any time. Close
I knew Ryan way back in the days of the old school yard / JSarah Rose Read >>
I knew Ryan way back in the days of the old school yard / JSarah Rose
I knew Ryan way back in the days of the old school yard...I remember him, in year 7 - rocking on the chair, instigating what would be the Goosebumps reading phenomenon and always joking with Mrs. K. I remember how intelligent he was and always thinking, yep, if any one is every gonna be anyone it`ll be Ryan Kraus. He was the lovable rogue. When he jumped out of the window in B Block-during class, not once- but twice at como, he became a bit of a legend at least for the five years we were all there. When i think of Ryan I see, glasses (always grotty) and a huge grin, big brown beaming eyes (if eyes can beam his surely did), i hear his laugh, and i feel happy; Ryan Kraus - so intelligent, so wild, so free - gone. It`s unfathomable.
In later years, that is after he left como, i saw him only a couple of times, once at a bus station smoking a cigarrette in his swanky private school uniform - where i teased him about a phone scandal that id heard down the line,pardon the pun and i remember asking him something like `will you ever behave?` and his response was `one day`. The other time when he brightened my otherwise thoroughly shithouse day whilst working for juice-slave at garbo, leaning over the juicer for a convo, getting me into trouble- and then continuing to talk over my manager, making me smile long after he left. I have often thought about Ryan, because he was such a vibrant and special person whom you couldn’t forget, he was sooo cheeky and ballsy. I don’t think he knew how much I revered him, (he taught me to have courage and to loosen up) I wanted Aidan, Ferdinand and Rhian to know this, and that I have and always will have, a soft spot for Ryan.
i'll never forget the first time i met YT / Sarah Goemans Read >>
i'll never forget the first time i met YT / Sarah Goemans
i have enjoyed reading all of your stories of Ryan (he hated when i called him that... it was YT!), that i couldnt deprive you of my own.
i'll never forget the first time i met YT, at my 21st birthday party two years ago, he was standing at the corner of a pool table, trying to put someone off a shot by mooning them! i drunkenly yelled out to this intriguing stranger to pull his fukin pants up, then re-thunk it and told him to take it all off! luckily he didnt listen to me! 30 seconds later were already spittin rhymes to each other at the bar. i was far too drunk to remember much else until we were all back at my house in the wee hours, and here was this stranger again. i found myself absolutley captivated by him, eventually draggin him off so we could be alone..... as everyone left, he stayed, until the next night, as we stared in to eachothers eyes in disbelief that we had found eachother. it was the beginning of an undying love.
my favourite memory is our first date. he took my to bobby dazzlers for dinner, with money he borrowed off of his darling mum. i gave him so much shit but i thought it was the sweetest thing ever! as i ate the way my mother warned me not to on dates (certainly not lady like) YT stopped eating, sat back in his chair and told me he just fell in love with me even more! haha. hence the feeling was returned.
unfortunatley the timing was off and i had far too many personal issues to deal with (after losing my sister amongst other cascades of shit) and chose not burden this young man, who was definitely loving life, (and goon a little too much). that boy would drink anything! even warm leftovers from the night before.
anywho. we kept in touch, but not as much as i wish we had. i called him for the first time in ages the saturday before he died, after walking past bobby dazzlers and all those fun memories came flowing back in. he sounded awesome, we were so excited to speak to eachother, i repeatedly told him how much i loved and missed him, and we made plans to catch up the following saturday. he died that thursday and i didnt get to see him. so fucking hard to deal with that but i take comfort in having at least called him and telling him that i loved him. seeing the photos of what a striking young man he had grown into was so good but just took the grieving to a whole new level, cos i didnt want to be looking at photographs of him, i wanted to be looking at him! i've never been so angry in my life... at him and myself.
i have learnt an important lesson from this, dont be a stranger to the people you love, and tell them you love them all the time. living in regret and with a broken heart sucks!
my heart go out to everyone, especially Ferdinand Rhian and Aidan (i know how it feels dude) cos ryan was a massive loss. i jsut wish i had more memories of him. all the photos and stories and music has helped alot. thanku keep them coming guys. i would love to see some footage of him, and get a copy of sweeney todd. no rush though. i know that for some it still feels llike this happened yesterday... all in good time.
a big thanks to Ferdi for our chat at the wake. i needed that so much!
i know your watching down on us YT and laugh at me when i talk to your photos! dont cause too much trouble up there! love you heaps and heaps - LOVE sarahG Close
A couple of us have got tattoos as tributes to Ryan's life / Angela Bristow Read >>
A couple of us have got tattoos as tributes to Ryan's life / Angela Bristow
A couple of us have got tattoos as tributes to Ryan's life. I got mine today. Hurt like buggery but hey, Ryan has always been a pain in the ass :) Mine is on the bottom of my spine. Brizs, Shaun - post photos of yours. Angie xx Close
Im not sure exactly how to go about this but ill try anyway. As I remember and get my memories of ryan in my head straight ill post as many of them up here as I can.
One of the dominant and fond memories I have of Ryan is out the front of my house back in Willetton when we were fairly young (not sure what age but it was early primary school I think) playing rollerblade hockey. After tiring of using the light pole and basketball pole as goals, we decided it would be a good idea to close the newish roller door and used empty drink cans as goals. After a while the ball that we were using somehow got hit down to the end of the street. With neither of us taking responsibility for it, neither would go the 100 metres down the street to collect it. After a few minutes of searching I found a ball which I thought would be a good size to use. This ball was one of my dads golf balls. After a few minute and shots on goals my mum came outside to investigate what was causing the loud noises on the other side of the roller door. After discovering it was Ryan and I hitting a golf ball against it she promptly asked us which one it was. At this time Ryan took the blame for it and was punished by mum with a bit of a spanking. He never let me live that down and anytime he could he would remind of how many times he had gotten me out of trouble, even if sometimes the trouble was not my own fault.
Another memory I have of Ryan is playing American football, or our version of it, on my front lawn, when we first started playing it was fairly even with Ryan winning most of the games because he was faster than I was. This soon changed as I got my growth spurt and grew much larger than him. But no matter how much bigger than him I got he was still willing to try and get past me no matter how hard I tackled him. There are other more recent memories I have of Ryan pushing my buttons which he loved to do. after a big night out back at a friend Reeces house he decided that he hadn’t read a goosebumps book in awhile and decided to share his love of the series by reading a volume out loud and right next to me. He was careful to stay out of my arms reach but well within my hearing distance. After about 20 minustes of this and several of my feeble attempts to shut him up, I lost patience and ripped the book in half and threw it out the window. Not being one to lose a battle he proceeded to look for another book to read and annoy me with. But once he had come back I must have fallen asleep and he lost interest. The next morning when I awoke to go to uni and drop him at his house I found that he had gone to sleep next to me and somehow during the night I must have moved and put my head in his outstretched hand.
This was not my only experience waking up with Ryan next to me in a peculiar position. Probably about 2 or 3 months ago after another big night out on a Wednesday we ended up back at Reeces again. I got tired at about 3 in the morning and had uni the next day so I decided to get some sleep. Not wanting to sleep on the floor again I climbed in the bed in the spare room and went to sleep with Ryan and Mitchell listen to tracks on the computer. The next morning I woke up to have Ryans face in mine. He had decided to climb into the bed with me and go to sleep there. Was one of the strangest experiences in my life.
There were also good times at the house I’m living at now. Ryan deciding to walk home from my 18th party at 4 in the morning after threatening to teabag Leon if he went to sleep (my house is in the middle of no where about 25-30 min drive from his house), Samy and I going to look for him and finding him two streets away asleep under a street sign and then not wanting to move because he was “comfortable” and “warm”. Hearing my mum swear and tell us to go to bed later on that night, actually it was morning by then, because we were being too noisy as the sun came up, Or us waking my sister up as we had heated discussions about political issues by a camp fire.
I have many more fond memories of Ryan which I hope to share over the next few weeks as I remember them.